Sidewalk Etiquette

One of Europe’s biggest draws is the history present in every nook and cranny of its centuries-old cities and towns. Old buildings, hill-top castles, inviting plazas, winding streets, the roughly 8,573 restaurants that were all somehow Ernest Hemingway’s favorite… the list goes on.

The problem with many of these European destinations is that, since the automobile didn’t make its way into everyday lives of the common folk until well into the 20th century, one can pretty easily come to the conclusion that European streets were originally intended to handle foot traffic only. When the car came roaring into society, the streets already in place had to be adapted to accommodate both bipedal and four-wheeled traffic. You can imagine that, as a result, there are more than a few “tight spots”.

While many European sidewalks can indeed be quite narrow, they are, like most streets, intended to handle two-way traffic. However, it would seem that the lack of a painted line is confusing to a surprising percentage of the population, and the unwritten norms of sidewalk etiquette are blatantly ignored.

On my part, I always make an effort to shift to the side as I walk to ensure that both I and any oncoming pedestrians can enjoy the benefits of any given sidewalk harmoniously and simultaneously. I don’t want to meet my end by way of a passing bus, taxi or scooter, and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of such a tragedy befalling another pedestrian. However, it would seem that I am one of but a few with this level of concern.

In seeking some sort of logical explanation and/or battle strategy, I have loosely grouped the most common pedestrian fauna into the following categories.

The herd

Situation: The slow-moving herd is comprised primarily of women in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s donning big hair and even bigger fur coats. In addition to being draped to their ankles in mink, fox and beaver, members of the herd travel arm-in-arm, with said extremities fused together with an extra-strenght fur adhesive that’s simply too strong for their aging strength to break free from. Their slow-moving ways, stubborn refusal to budge and belief that their advanced age entitles them to take up as much space as they like makes the herd utterly impossible to get by.

Solution: Unless you’re willing to try to break the bond a la Red Rover, Red Rover, and in the process plow down a herd of old ladies, the only option is to step off the sidewalk and attempt to pass the herd before you get taken down by an erratic taxi driver.

Mates in heat

Situation: Mates are strolling couples who have apparently come to the shocking, horrifying realization that letting go of one another’s hand, even just for the split second it would take for a lone pedestrian such as myself to squeeze by, would in fact doom the future of the relationship. In addition to the slow pace that gazing into one another's eyes requires, mates sometimes increase the effect of their sidewalk blockade by incorporating a second set of mates (read: double date). The resulting effect bearing a strong resemblance to the previously described herd.

Solution: Stand your ground and envision yourself as a refrigerator. Once in the right mindset, just wait for the unbudging lovers to ram into you. There may be scoffing and glares, but hey... they should already be well aware that all is fair in love and war.

The stampede

Situation: You’re cruising along listening to your favorite Billy Joel song when a large group appears on the horizon. Chatting and laughing together, they are taking up literally the entire sidewalk and they are getting closer. Even though they have registered your approaching presence, they see that you are alone and therefore vulnerable. It quickly becomes apparent that not a single member of the stampede plans to budge.

Solution: As the stampede approaches, quickly change the music on your Ipod from “She’s Always a Woman” to Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole”. Next, choose your path through the stampede and do not veer from it. Strong strides and shoulder-butting will likely be necessary.

Quick intro

Years ago I came up with an idea for a new pet writing project. I kept it on the back burner, figuring that eventually a burst of Herculean energy would coincide with a lucrative reward for a lost dog or child (the owners/parents would insist I take the money, obviously) and I would turn the idea into a book. However, I have come to the conclusion that I have neither the time nor the funding for such an undertaking. I have also come to the conclusion that said situation is unlikely to change anytime in the near future.

Without going into too much detail, it all comes down to this: I just feel like complaining about what I see everyday. No, I'm not planning to gripe about politics (frustrating), current events (depressing), the economy (frustrating AND depressing) or work (you can get fired for that). Instead, I'll take a look at all of those everyday situations that make you stop and say, "Is this really happening?"

It’s about the countless times my Achilles tendons have fallen victim to ruthless mothers who, it would seem, have misread the instructions for their baby strollers and have taken to using them to inflict blunt force trauma upon anything and anyone in their way. It’s about watching, horrified, as people seek to discover new, uncharted territories in the abyss of their nostrils while riding on the subway, shopping for linens or even having a conversation. It’s about people blasting their music on their cell phones – which, by the way, tend to come with free headphones - in enclosed spaces to the chagrin of, well, everyone who doesn't like Reggaeton.

These are all examples of what I refer to as "poor etiquette in everyday situations". My list of etiquette infractions has been piling up in the "Drafts" folder of my email account, so you can bet I'm looking forward to getting them out of my email and off of my chest. Enjoy!